Being Fake

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have a real complex about being authentic. I am someone who wears my emotions on my sleeves. I’m someone who can’t hide the fact that I do not like you. If I am feeling bad about something, I do not want to hear your advice, or your hopeful outlook. To me, trying to be positive when I’m upset is me being fake.

This complex, as are many of the ones that caused my poor mental health, is quite silly, and moves me further away from healing than closer. What I’ve been realizing lately, ia that we can only become a positive person by acting like one.

Our culture loves the idea of being true to your feelings. We are told from a very early age to follow our hearts. We are indoctrinated to the philosophy that we must be 100% ourselves at all times. Anything less is being fake, and if you’re being fake you’re not being you. As if not being you is some capitol offense.

I’m here to tell you, that being 100% myself is disastrous. Authentic Kyle is very rude. He doesn’t like it when the spotlight is not on him. He hates to lose any argument, and feels like if he doesn’t get every single point across he is being cheated. He is very selfish. He jumps to conclusions about other people’s motives before he gives them a chance.

So, I’d prefer to not be 100% Authentic Kyle, thank you very much. I’m much more interested in being 100% Sanctified Kyle.

The Bible tells us “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” (ESV) Our heart does not hold the answers to getting us where we want to be. In fact, the heart does not know what it wants, and as a result will leave us chasing a millions different things, while obtaining very little. The heart often has very little consideration for others, and what they feel and experience.

Instead of listening to our hearts, and following every impulse in an attempt to be heard, we must imitate God and in that find the key to being our best self. How can I be authentic with my nasty feelings, and still imitate God? I can’t.

The simple truth is that while the negative thoughts flooding us might be how our flesh really feels, that does not make them the truth. I believe God knows who I will be on the other side of this life, and He is in the process of revealing Sanctified Kyle every day. He reveals it by giving me opportunities to act like Sanctified Kyle (who is really just acting like Jesus).

Every frustrating encounter with customer service, every hidden fee that financial aid did not cover, and every bad tipper I encounter are all a chance for me to practice becoming Sanctified Kyle. No one achieves any goal without work. If I’m more concerned with letting the 100% Authentic Kyle be heard, I’ll never give Sanctified Kyle a chance to show grace. He won’t ever be realized.

So the next time someone is testing your patience, stop and ask yourself who you want to be today. Do you want to be the version of you that your flesh tells you is “legit”, or would you rather be the real authentic you, which is the one God has called you to be?

God I pray to you today that you would give me patience and compassion for the people who try in me life. I admit that I’ve had a short fuse in the past, and I’ve been more concerned with being right, than I have with being Christ-like. Forgive me for those sins Father, and help me to become the sanctified version of me whom you already know. Amen.

Words, Words, Words

I’ve been reading Pastor Levi Lusko’s 2018 book “I Declare War”, and I’ve found it incredibly encouraging. Lusko is very frank about his struggles with moodiness, which is something I relate to hardcore. I devoured the first section of the book about controlling what you think, and by combining it with cognitive behavioral therapy techniques I’ve been able to control some of my darker thoughts.

Today, I’m reading a chapter out of the second section, which deals with controlling what we say. I am unabashedly my harshest critic, and for a long time I sort of romanticized that about myself. I can’t explain it, other than I guess I thought if I hated myself and my works, while others saw something great I would appear tortured. Gag me with a spoon.

This is a total lie. Oh, sure it made me look tortured, but is that romantic? I don’t think so. No, all my negative thoughts about myself just made my friends and family really worried about me. I can’t blame them; they had a right to be worried. I was in a very negative headspace, and allowed myself to stay in it for a long time.

I use to think telling myself positive thoughts, or speaking positive words, when I was feeling negative was being fake. As a result, I had no way of escape from myself, and the inner loathing I had inside. I’d seek out help from friends, but because I was so dead set on my existence being cursed, eventually they would throw up their hands and say “Look man, I can’t help you if you don’t want to be helped.” It’s a dark place to be in, and I’ve come to realize the only way to find the exit is to speak light into existence.

Lusko talks about how God created with His word, and He gave man the job of naming every animal (Genesis 2). The point is words end up creating a reality. If I tell myself every morning that I’ll never finish my book, I will certainly never finish it. If I go out every day and say “I’ll be alone forever” I will assuredly be alone forever. This isn’t to say that we have ultimate control over our circumstances, and God doesn’t. God, obviously rules all and directs our steps.

However, we know God’s plans for us are good. If we are going out everyday talking about how doomed we are, it shows that we don’t have much faith in God to make our lives incredible. Without faith, we can’t talk to God. Without talking to God, we can’t tell Him what we want, and He certainly can’t tell us what we need.

I’m praying today that God will help me control my tongue. I’m asking God’s Spirit to fill me up, and help me control the reality I’m speaking into existence. I’m asking Him to change my mindset from hateful to grateful. I’m asking Him to identify and capture every lie I tell myself.