Album Challenge of 2023

  I have not used WordPress.com in such a long time, that I apparently no longer know how to navigate the webpage. Fortunately, this post was meant to be short, and is the perfect vehicle for a blogging tutorial.

  I use to blog often. If you scroll beyond this post, you will see predominantly Christian posts, written by me over the course of a six year period. I have not gone back to read any of those posts, and I don’t expect anyone else to. Honestly, the though had occurred to me to just create a brand new WordPress account, but who is doing that in the year 2024?

  No, I think I’ll stay with the old Timshel Thinker, but I reserve the right to change my mind, if the name starts to grate on me. I have no goal with this blog. I will not be publishing it on Facebook. I won’t be sharing a link to it on my Instagram story. The truth is I am too afraid of people knowing my real thoughts and opinions. However, I also feel the urge to say something sometimes, even if it is just a scream into the void.

  So Timshel Thinker will be a little slice of solace for me. A place to say what I think. My own nook in on the internet where I can say what I want. I have nothing important to say tonight, but it felt wrong to not start the year out with some sort of post, especially as the dawn of 2024 was the inspiration for logging on.

  I am no musical sage. When it comes to music I have very homer opinions, and I am quite comfortable with that. I like what I like, and I make no apologies. In general, I hate how aggressive people are about music fandom. I’ve often feel pressured to pretend I know a band I’ve never heard of, or to deny my unabashed love for what is popular. Music is suppose to be personal though. Like all art, its about how we experience and receive what the artist is trying to convey.

  Despite my novice musical knowledge, I do listen to music nonstop. In 2023 I resolved to listen to more albums all the way through. This ended up looking like the final list I have presented a below, in chronological order. The goal was to listen to one album for every week (or 52 albums total), and that goal was passed with flying color. Here is the list:

Albums Completed

January 1st-7th

• RAM by Paul McCartney
• McCARTNEY I by Paul McCartney

January 8th-15TH 

• Graves into Gardens by Elevate WRSH

January 16TH-22ND 

• People by Hillsong United

January 23rd-28th

• The Medicine by John Mark McMillan

January 29TH-February 4th

• McCARTNEY III by Paul McCartney 
• Dawn FM by The Weeknd 

February 5th-February 11TH 

• Bella Donna by Stevie Nicks

February 12th-February 18TH

• Currents by Tame Impala
• Day & Age by The Killers

February 19Th – February 25th

• Band on the Run by Wings

February 26TH- March 4th

• Third Eye Blind by Third Eye Blind
• Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd
• Abbey Road by The Beatles

March 5th- March 11

• The Doors by The Doors

March 12th – March 18TH

• Travelogue Vol. 1 by Michael Giacchino

March 19TH – March 25th 

• Animals by Pink Floyd
• Battle Studies by John Mayer

Mary 26TH – April 1st

• Riot! by Paramore 

April 2nd- April 8th

• Songs in the Key of Life by Stevie Wonder

April 9th – April 15th 

• Talking Book by Stevie Wonder
• TRON: LEGACY by Daft Punk

April 16TH – April 22ND

• Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots by The Flaming Lips
• sweetener by Ariana Grande
• Live at the Great American Music Hall by Billy Joel

April 23rd – April 29TH

• Red Rose Speedway by Wings
• The Stranger by Billy Joel

April 30TH – May 6th

• Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd

May 7th – May 13th

• A Love Supreme by John Coltrane 

May 14th – 20TH

• Wild Life by Wings

 May 21ST – May 27TH

• Darkness on the Edge of Town by Bruce Springsteen

 May 28th – June 3rd

• Fine Line by Harry Styles

June 4th – June 10th

• Stranger in the Alps by Phoebe Bridgers

June 11TH – June 17TH

• Sob Rock by John Mayer

June 18TH – June 24TH

• Meddle by Pink Floyd

June 25th – July 1st

• Songs From the Big Chair by Tears for Fears

  July 2nd – July 8th

• Top Gun: Maverick by Hans Zimmer/Lady Gaga/ Lorne Balfe/ Harold Faltermeyer

July 9th – July 15TH

• Speak Now (TV) by Taylor Swift

July 16TH – July 22ND

• Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band by The Beatles

July 23rd – July 29TH

• Inside by Bo Burnham

July 30TH – August 5th

• Golden Hour by Kacey Musgraves

August 6th – August 12th

• Inside Lewyn Davis by T. Bone Burnett
• Magical Mystery Tour by The Beatles

August 13th – August 19TH

• folklore by Taylor Swift

August 20TH – August 26TH

• Nebraska by Bruce Springsteen 
• McCartney II by Paul McCartney 

August 27TH – September 2nd

• Prisoner by Ryan Adams 

September 3rd – September 9th

• Midnights by Taylor Swift

September 10th – September 16TH

• Guts by Olivia Rodrigo 

September 17TH – September 23rd

• Clean by Soccer Mommy
• Color Theory by Soccer Mommy

September 24TH – September 30TH

• WHEN WE FALL ASLEEP WHERE DO WE GO!?!? – Billie Eilish
• Zac Bryan by Zac Bryan

October 1 – October 7th

• Skylight by Pinegrove 

 October 8th – 14th

• Strange Mercy by Saint Vincent 

October 15TH – October 21ST

• Imagine by John Lennon

October 22ND – October 28th 

• Plastic Ono Band by John Lennon

October 29TH – November 5th

• 1989 (TV) by Taylor Swift

November 6th – November 12th

• Last Night in Soho (soundtrack) – multiple artists 

November 13th – November 19TH

• Reputation by Taylor Swift

November 20TH – 26TH

• New Black Sun by Andre 3000
• Rust in the Rain by Tyler Childers
• Listen Without Prejudice Vol. 1 by George Michael

Notes from Easter 2020 – “Once and for All’

Who needs help? Who needs hope? Who needs a second chance? Where can I get answers?

All are questions that have been with man since the beginning. It’s the deeper things of God that sustain us. So then why don’t we spend more time studying the deep word of God?

There might be no more New Testament book in the Old Testmanet book than Levicicus. It’s two themes are atonement and holiness. Those words are ignored as we try to live our lives the way we want to live them. Yet, our lives are not our own.

The world pays little attention to God, until He makes us pay attention. 

The Bible is the written word, and Jesus is the living word. 

Atonement is a most gracious word that every human being needs to understand.

God takes life seriously, an the life of man is found in the blood. Atonement is taken from a word that means ransom. It means to cover our sins. It means to forgive, to forgive our sins. It means everything Jesus did for us on the cross. 

There are only two religions. One which is figs leaves – the religion of works. The second one is Jesus’ perfect provision. A beautiful gift from God. 

The sinner takes this blood, this life, in His hands, and presents it to God as his plea.

God knew the real price for our sin. The sacrifices in the Old Testament did not actually remove sin. The Levitical offerings covered sins until Christ came as the perfect sacrifice to remove all the sins of the world. It was just a cover up until Jesus paid the price for real. Yet, people handly think twice before they sin. When is the last time you thought before you sinned “This is an offense before God.” 

We don’t have anywhere to go. We have no excuse to not stop, and think about what we are doing. COVID-19 is a chance for us to evaluate what really matters. The atonement teaches, that God has you covered. This should be great news to us.

Then there is holiness. God wants this from us. He wants the world to see His people. “Be holy’ is found at least twenty times in Leviticus. He wants us to “be holy, as I am holy”

Holiness when applied to God denotes Ewing separated from every worldly and wrong thing. Holiness when applied to man points to a life of purity ad obedience to God. Those who we redeemed by his precious blood are to live a holy life. What can we do about it? Read the word. Put it in us, so that it can pop out. 

Live like you take God seriously. Live like you know what He rescued you from!

It is by your faith that you have hope in God; and this is a hope that does not disappoint.

Master Chef (2 Kings 4)

I remember teaching this chapter of 2 Kings when I was a fourth grade instructor at a Christian classical school. It was a my first professional job and I was eager to do a good job. I wanted the kids to love coming to class and learning. This was especially true when I was teaching the Bible, which of course was the most important subject to me, and the administration.

I got really into teaching this chapter. I’d have the kids act out the different people Elisha interacted with. We’d talk play memory games. We’d write out the story as a narrative in our own words. We even drew some of the scenes. Yet, I wonder if I ever did a good job covering the why of the material.

For example, there is a point where Elisha puts some flour into a stew. The implication was that the stew was poisonous, but from the the original text makes it unclear if it was dangerous or just nasty. Either way God fixes the problem through Elisha. The kids I taught always laughed at this part of the chapter because I would pretend to be Emeril Lagasse and “Bam!” the imaginary stew. They never stopped and pondered why this story is included, and neither did I.

God cared about this stew. The unnamed sons of prophets were hungry due to the ongoing famine at the time. This was not just a regular can of Campbell’s Chunky Beef Stew. This was their dinner that would have to hold them for who knows how long. So God, being the God who cares about big things and small things, gives Elisha the wisdom to fix this nasty stew.

In another part of the chapter, Elisha miraculously gives an unnamed rich woman a child. Like many other women in the bible she was in a position (barren in her case) where she could not have a child under normal circumstances. Now, in other stories (see Mary, Elizabeth, Hannah, Rachel) god provided women with children because they were needed for God’s story to continue. Not so with this woman. Her son is never given a name in the Bible. He does not great acts. He is not a part of Jesus’s lineage. God gave this woman the same miracle, simply because He is a good God who delights in blessing those who are obedient.

Let’s remember that in times of trial and blessings. He might not always give us what we want, but He is always concerned with what we need. He loves us and wants to bless us. Turn to Him, and cast your desires upon Him.

Going Back for Seconds (2 Kings 2: 1-12)

Elijah had a whirlwind ministry, so it makes sense that he goes out in a whirlwind. I love that the text spoils the ending before he even gets there. This is the grand finale for arguably the greatest prophet story this side of AD. Yet, the finale is not really about him. It’s about Elisha, and his decision to commit his life fully to God.

Elisha had been traveling around with Elijah for 18 years. That is a long time to train under someone, so we know that they are tight. I can not imagine losing a mentor I’ve had that long. It is no wonder that Elisha wants to soak up all the time he has left with his teacher. He refuses to leave his side as Elijah travels to Bethel and Jericho to encourage the prophets there one last time. They would need it as they were ministering in pagan places.

What must the ticking clock have felt like to Elisha? To know his best friend is leaving him so soon, must have caused some form of anxiety. He must have had some form of doubt. He must have heard whispers, like “Are you good enough to follow in his steps?” We can see he was clearly trying to not think about the dwindling time as kept telling the prophets to shut up every time they brought it up.

Finally the moment arrives. His teacher parts the Jordan river in a scene that invokes Moses. They continue to talk when all of a sudden a chariot of fire comes to sweep Elijah up (a fitting ride for God’s champion during this dark time in Israel’s history). Before he leaves, Elijah asks his student what he wants from him. What will Elisha’s inheritance be?

He asks for a double portion of Elijah’s spirit. His desire is to continue on the work Elijah has been doing. Elisha is deciding to commit to God with everything he has. He isn’t just asking for double the miracles. That’s going to come for sure, but he is asking for double the trials. Remember Elijah’s persecution and his resulting depression. All of these are burdens Elisha is picking up. Why?

Sure, part of him wants to carry on the legacy of his friend, but that is not enough to push any person into a life of struggle. No, Elisha wants to be like his spiritual forefather because he knows that there is no life worth living that does not include God. He has weighed the cost, and found that the trial is worth the reward.

I think of the spiritual teachers I’ve had in my life. Some of them are still around. Some of them have moved on to new ministries. However, no matter where they are, their impact lives on in me. Whenever I feel the cost is too high, I think of the example they set for me. I remember that all of them would point me to the cross. There I will find all the strength I need.

Fire in the Sky (2 Kings 1:9-18)

At this point Ahaziah is incredibly ill, and has sought help from Baal. He literally went to the impotent god of Goliath instead of turning to the god of Israel. God sees this (duh) and sends his main man Elijah to rebuke him. He does so, and rather than humbly turn to God and ask for mercy, Ahaziah digs a little deeper into the idiocy well, and sends a captain and fifty men to capture Elijah.

The first captain comes and demands Elijah come down from his mountain. He calls Elijah a man of God, but not with conviction. Instead I like to read it as sarcasm. He is like the rest of Israel and has turned his back on God, despite all God has done for them. For his snark (“OH MaN oF GoD”) he and his fifty men are consumed with fire.

So Ahaziah sends a second captain, and another troop of fifty men. This joker has the nerve to come up to Elijah and say “Come quickly. On the KING’s orders.” This goes about as well as you’d think, seeing as Elijah listens to the one true King. He and his men are consumed with fire.

It is important to note here, that these men were not innocent bystanders that God casually struck down. They were coming to capture and kill Elijah. Ahaziah was foolish enough to believe that if he could suppress God’s prophet, he could suppress God’s judgement. He was not correct.

Now we get to the most interesting part of the chapter. Ahaziah sends a third captain. This man has heard what happened to his two predecessors, and shockingly decides to throw himself at the feet of Elijah. He asks for mercy. He asks that his life and the lives of his men would be precious to Elijah, and thereby God. He calls Elijah a man of God, but unlike the two captains before him, he means it.

How do we know? Because God spares him. God also tells Elijah to come down from his mountain and talk to the man. He tells the captain the same thing he told another messenger earlier in the chapter. Ahaziah is looking for help from a god who can not help him. For this he will die, and the chapter ends with his passing.

It’s very easy to pass judgement on Ahaziah and praise the third captain, but it would be wise for us to see how we stack up to the two. We might not try to kill our pastors when they tell us something we don’t want to hear, but we actively try to suppress the word of God when it does not jive with our lives. We also are guilty of turning to other idols for help when we are in need. Whether it be drugs, alcohol, sex, food, television, or whatever your idol may be, we all have a coping device we choose over God. I urge you, as I urge myself, to resist turning to those things in a time of need. This is how addiction and dependency begins. What’s more none of those things can not solve our problems. None of our idols will make our battles their own. God will.

Be like the third captain. Fall on your knees and praise God. Ask Him for new mercies everyday. Turn from your idols, and live obediently in His loving embrace.

Notes from Church: “Forgetfullness”(03/29/2020)

Exodus 13:3 – Remember this day. God knows we have a short memory, and that we need a constant reminder. This is was true for the Israelites coming out of slavery, and it’s true for us today. 

Exodus 13:17-22 – God is leading His people the long way, not the short way. This reminds me of Mary. God didn’t tell her the whole plan, just like He didn’t show the Israelites the wars they’d face going the short ways. He doles out information as we need it to not overwhelm us! Mary would have been crushed and never enjoyed her son’s life if she had known His fate. 

God doesn’t want his people living in fear. His people were living in slavery, and God got them out. Now, after having left Egypt the. Israelites were caught between a rock and a hard place because they did what God said. So God leads them down a valley towards the Red Sea, surrounded by two mountain ranges. Egypt is closing in. Pharoh would have thought what the Israelites were doing was aimless wandering. He has his army and wants revenge. But this is what God wanted. If you are obedient to God you can trust the situation to work out. The bigger the rock in your hard place is, the bigger God will show off and be glorified. 

God’s plan is NOT to mess you up. God did not lead the Israelites to this trapped in place to get recaptured. When God has lead you to a hard place, remember He has a plan. He knew they weren’t ready for the Philistine warriors. Not because they weren’t strong enough in muscle, but because their faith wasn’t strong enough. They needed to take a faith road trip. They ended to build their faith by going the long way, so that when they faced the Philistines they’d have great faith in God to crush the enemy. If He hadn’t take them the long way, they would have seen the Philistines, and gone back to Egpyt. 

We spend too much time worrying about the HOW and we forget about the WHO. Can God handle your situation? Do you remember the walls He brought down for you? Won’t He do it again? 

Pharaoh knew that Israel was God’s people, and that God wanted them set free. Moses told him so. God showed him sign after signs with the plagues. The death of his son finally showed him God was serious. After the people fled, rather than remorse or repentance Pharaoh forgets that he is no match for God. He was blinded by rage. He only brought 600 chariots to capture 1,000,000 people. When we are controlled by our emotions or feelings we lose common sense. 

Pharaoh’s army is closing in and the Israelites fear him instantly. They whine to Moses, and say they would rather have been slaves. This is so true to our sin nature. We will settle for less, instead of God’s plan for us because we are afraid of taking the journey God has put before us. They would rather be a settled slave, than a traveling Saint. Thankfully Moses speaks to them and tells them God has a plan. He tells them all they have to do is shut up and watch.

If you are walking with the Lord, He will fight for you. It is ALWAYS GOD’S PROBLEM. God tells Moses the plan for the Red Sea. God doesn’t always keep His plan for you secret. The Red Sea plan was a miracle, and that was the only plan. Moses trusted in it. Listen to the plan when God gives it to you. 

The Egyptians start to collapse in the middle of the Red Sea. They realize God is fighting for the Israelites and want to turn back. It is too late. They get drowned in the sea, but the Israelites walked right through. The Israelites were baptized in a way. They came through the sea into new life, and saw the power of the God who fights for us. 

What does it take to trust God? What does it take to remember what He has done for us? Why do we always require more proof from Him? Forgetfulness. The Egpytians forgot the plague, and the ISraelites forgot that they had just been set free. God doesn’t forget, which is good news for us. God never stops being God, so if He had your back in the past, He still has it now.

02/11/2020

Psalm 20: 1-9

Some trust in chariots. Some trust in horses. David knew better than to trust in any of the machines of battle. David knew that God saves His anointed, and we are just as anointed as David. If we call out for help on our dark day, God will be faithful to hear it. He is always on the line, ready to call down fire on the enemies plaguing you. Ask for help, and it will be given.

Matthew 26:69-27:10

Peter betrayed Jesus. It makes me weep just thinking about the guilt Peter must have felt. He probably felt like his three years with Jesus were wasted. He probably felt like he had lost Jesus’ friendship forever. He probably thought life was no longer worth living.

However, his guilt was Godly guilt. It drove him to repent, and in the end to being restored. Judas felt guilt, but it was of the world and it drove him to suicide. We must come to Jesus when we fail Him. Running from God does us no good. All it does is reinforce the idea that we have burned a bridge that is fireproof. God is there. He isn’t mad. He isn’t calling it quits on you. Lay down your guilt at His feet, and listen as HE instructs you how to move forward.

Exodus 9-10

Harden hearts. It can be so difficult for us to admit we were wrong. Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say. Yet, with God it shouldn’t be so. God is all knowing and we are not. When the signs are evident that you are on the wrong side of thing, pride is what will kill you. However, if you kill pride, you can find redemption.

Pharaoh refused to admit he was wrong. That doesn’t mean he didn’t KNOW he was wrong. He could clearly see that. His problem was he thought he could end up having it his way. He wanted none of the plagues, but to keep his slave force. God was not going to compromise when it came to the salvation of His people. He never will. So Pharaoh was faced with a situation he couldn’t win. He must admit defeat. Pride wouldn’t let him, and so he paid the price.

Being Fake

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have a real complex about being authentic. I am someone who wears my emotions on my sleeves. I’m someone who can’t hide the fact that I do not like you. If I am feeling bad about something, I do not want to hear your advice, or your hopeful outlook. To me, trying to be positive when I’m upset is me being fake.

This complex, as are many of the ones that caused my poor mental health, is quite silly, and moves me further away from healing than closer. What I’ve been realizing lately, ia that we can only become a positive person by acting like one.

Our culture loves the idea of being true to your feelings. We are told from a very early age to follow our hearts. We are indoctrinated to the philosophy that we must be 100% ourselves at all times. Anything less is being fake, and if you’re being fake you’re not being you. As if not being you is some capitol offense.

I’m here to tell you, that being 100% myself is disastrous. Authentic Kyle is very rude. He doesn’t like it when the spotlight is not on him. He hates to lose any argument, and feels like if he doesn’t get every single point across he is being cheated. He is very selfish. He jumps to conclusions about other people’s motives before he gives them a chance.

So, I’d prefer to not be 100% Authentic Kyle, thank you very much. I’m much more interested in being 100% Sanctified Kyle.

The Bible tells us “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” (ESV) Our heart does not hold the answers to getting us where we want to be. In fact, the heart does not know what it wants, and as a result will leave us chasing a millions different things, while obtaining very little. The heart often has very little consideration for others, and what they feel and experience.

Instead of listening to our hearts, and following every impulse in an attempt to be heard, we must imitate God and in that find the key to being our best self. How can I be authentic with my nasty feelings, and still imitate God? I can’t.

The simple truth is that while the negative thoughts flooding us might be how our flesh really feels, that does not make them the truth. I believe God knows who I will be on the other side of this life, and He is in the process of revealing Sanctified Kyle every day. He reveals it by giving me opportunities to act like Sanctified Kyle (who is really just acting like Jesus).

Every frustrating encounter with customer service, every hidden fee that financial aid did not cover, and every bad tipper I encounter are all a chance for me to practice becoming Sanctified Kyle. No one achieves any goal without work. If I’m more concerned with letting the 100% Authentic Kyle be heard, I’ll never give Sanctified Kyle a chance to show grace. He won’t ever be realized.

So the next time someone is testing your patience, stop and ask yourself who you want to be today. Do you want to be the version of you that your flesh tells you is “legit”, or would you rather be the real authentic you, which is the one God has called you to be?

God I pray to you today that you would give me patience and compassion for the people who try in me life. I admit that I’ve had a short fuse in the past, and I’ve been more concerned with being right, than I have with being Christ-like. Forgive me for those sins Father, and help me to become the sanctified version of me whom you already know. Amen.

Words, Words, Words

I’ve been reading Pastor Levi Lusko’s 2018 book “I Declare War”, and I’ve found it incredibly encouraging. Lusko is very frank about his struggles with moodiness, which is something I relate to hardcore. I devoured the first section of the book about controlling what you think, and by combining it with cognitive behavioral therapy techniques I’ve been able to control some of my darker thoughts.

Today, I’m reading a chapter out of the second section, which deals with controlling what we say. I am unabashedly my harshest critic, and for a long time I sort of romanticized that about myself. I can’t explain it, other than I guess I thought if I hated myself and my works, while others saw something great I would appear tortured. Gag me with a spoon.

This is a total lie. Oh, sure it made me look tortured, but is that romantic? I don’t think so. No, all my negative thoughts about myself just made my friends and family really worried about me. I can’t blame them; they had a right to be worried. I was in a very negative headspace, and allowed myself to stay in it for a long time.

I use to think telling myself positive thoughts, or speaking positive words, when I was feeling negative was being fake. As a result, I had no way of escape from myself, and the inner loathing I had inside. I’d seek out help from friends, but because I was so dead set on my existence being cursed, eventually they would throw up their hands and say “Look man, I can’t help you if you don’t want to be helped.” It’s a dark place to be in, and I’ve come to realize the only way to find the exit is to speak light into existence.

Lusko talks about how God created with His word, and He gave man the job of naming every animal (Genesis 2). The point is words end up creating a reality. If I tell myself every morning that I’ll never finish my book, I will certainly never finish it. If I go out every day and say “I’ll be alone forever” I will assuredly be alone forever. This isn’t to say that we have ultimate control over our circumstances, and God doesn’t. God, obviously rules all and directs our steps.

However, we know God’s plans for us are good. If we are going out everyday talking about how doomed we are, it shows that we don’t have much faith in God to make our lives incredible. Without faith, we can’t talk to God. Without talking to God, we can’t tell Him what we want, and He certainly can’t tell us what we need.

I’m praying today that God will help me control my tongue. I’m asking God’s Spirit to fill me up, and help me control the reality I’m speaking into existence. I’m asking Him to change my mindset from hateful to grateful. I’m asking Him to identify and capture every lie I tell myself.

Christmas Day

I’m writing on Christmas Day. Today is maybe the most alive I’ve felt in weeks if not months. I am not feeling particularly alive physically, but rather spiritually. Today is the day I choose to believe that God is not finished writing my story.

Last night was dark. I felt alone no matter who I talked to. Every picture on Facebook or Instagram was some happy family, joyously celebrating how picture perfect their lives can look. Like a dope, I fell into the lie, and forgot that every person in those photos had a trial just as great if not greater than mine. I ignored common sense and my inner Grinch came out.

I stored up hatred for them all December, and on Christmas Eve my volcano erupted. No friend was safe from the casualties of my spiritual battle. I belittled advice. I brushed off well wishes. I cursed the word “someday”. I was angry, and I wanted to stay angry.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I got drunk. I ruined a normally great night with my parents. I didn’t pay attention to our favorite Christmas movie as I was waging war via phone with the people who care about me the most. I stormed out of the house late “intending” on going to the midnight church service I usually attend on Christmas Eve. I did arrive at the church service, and then I sat there for all of ten minutes. During that time, from my balcony seat I saw happy couples. I saw children sleeping on their dad’s shoulder. I saw so much happiness and familial bliss. I saw everything I felt God rip from my hands. My heart couldn’t take it and I left.

As I drove around, my spirit sunk lower. I realized I had left the only remaining worship service of the Christmas season, and I hadn’t worshiped God at all. My spirit sunk further still when I realized I didn’t really want to. Feeling like the world’s biggest failure I drove out to the beach. Tears streamed down my face as I asked God to remove the burden placed on my spirit. I begged Him to take the sword out of my hand.

I arrived on the beach, and pulled my old soft cover Bible out from the back seat of my truck. Somberly I walked out onto the shore, and embraced the night sky, and the ocean breeze. I took out my phone’s flashlight and read the Christmas story found in Luke chapter 2 aloud. I don’t know what I was hoping would happen, but the result was nothing.

I walked back to my truck and sat in the bed for a minute. I prayed one more time. I begged God to let me know His presence there. In the cool air, and in all that dark He spoke to me. I stared into the void of blackness, and cried harder than I had. The longer I stared into the blackness the weaker I felt. I didn’t believe I had the strength to get home. Motionless I asked Him why this year had been the way it was. I asked Him why had my faith not been enough. I pounded my fists against His chest as I screamed “I’m still here! I’m still seeking you! Do you see me?!”

The answer, of course, was that He has never, even for a single second, taken His eyes off me. I felt Him wash over me in that moment, and a certain peace came over me that is still hovering on my skin as I type. I found the strength to get off the back of my truck and drive home. As I drove I listened to “O Holy Night”, and my fountain of tears began again.

I crawled into bed and pondered these things. I felt ashamed for the things I’d said to my friends. I felt guilt over ruining Christmas Eve with my parents. I resolved to stop squirming and let God finish His work.

Today, God restored me. There was no particular moment. I simply awoke, had Christmas time with my parents, and then read my Bible. I found it refreshing. I listened to a few sermons on the ride to my Granny’s home. I spent time talking to relatives instead of glued to my phone with headphones in. I helped a cousin put together lego bricks, and taught him how to fire his Nerf gun. I sent apologies to my friends, and assured them I was feeling better, and believed God was at work within me.

God strengthened me to be a better me today, even though I had been an awful me the night before. Why?

Honestly, I think I surrendered to His will at least a hundred times this year. I’d cry, believe He had a plan for me, and then I would “hope” for the best like a man on his last dollar at a slot machine. My “hope” was not hope at all, rather it was comfortability and expectation for failure. My problem was I had no joy in my suffering, nor did I have great expectations for my future.

This whole year has been a humbling experience for me. I’ll admit one thing I learned during my divorce process was to accept I’m not perfect, but also that I’m not evil incarnate. I’m simply a human being. My friends, church, and family ALL understood that, and loved me through this entire process. They could see what I couldn’t. They saw a major train wreck happen, and a person they love walk out from the wreckage, scarred, but alive. Instead of seeing this picture of what God was doing, I saw myself as hobbled, disfigured, and damaged for life.

My friends, I see now that my problem was I was afraid to HOPE. I was afraid to earnestly seek God, and believe in His promises, because I was sure that it would only lead to my further embarrassment. This morning however, I felt hope. Hope that God doesn’t see me as damaged, but as beautiful. He doesn’t see me as a B or C-tier Christian, but as a mature leader. He doesn’t believe my best days are behind me, but rather they are only just about to begin.

I confess, I know these things aren’t how I appear to myself or to you, but my God is not confined to time. He sees me as I will be. Luckily he knows the blue prints of my soul, and knows what tools He needs to assemble the better Kyle. Thank you Jesus, that 26 year old Kyle isn’t the best me. Thank You Lord, that teenage Kyle wasn’t either. Thank You Father that the best me is still ahead, and every painful cut, and trial are just part of the process that gets me from a bunch of scrap parts, to a beautiful and redeemed work of art.

God is indeed good, and the hope He delivered to the world in a stable at Bethlehem is the same hope I discovered today.

Merry Christmas everyone.